Goldilocks, as told by Holden Caulfield

For freshman English, we were required to read J D Salinger’s The Catcher in the Rye. Our final assignment for the book was to rewrite a classic children’s story using Holden’s voice and perspective… It’s nothing amazing but I found it to be rather entertaining looking back.

Now I’m here today to tell you the goddamn story of some phony girl named Goldilocks and three very touchy bears. This girl was pretty much the goddamn princess of the phonies; boy, I mean what the hell kind of little girl goes prancing through the woods in her Sunday dress with her hair freshly curled? A phony one, that’s who, anyway, so the story starts out with the momma bear, papa bear, and the baby bear being all touchy and whiny, complaining that their goddamn porridge is too goddamn hot. So they decide to go for a walk while it cooled. Now these bears were complete morons. Boy they were dumb. They decided to leave the door open when they left.

A few minutes after they left their house, good ole princess Goldilocks comes skipping along. Why would anyone ever want to skip anywhere? It makes you look like a phony and a fool at the same time. Anyway, she just happens to stumble upon this cabin in the middle of nowhere. Seeing as the door was open, the moron decided to do the jackass thing and go inside uninvited. What kind of a person would do that? If I found someone busting into my house like that, I would beat their head in.

So anyway, now she was inside, she took a look around and found there on the table, three bowls of porridge. Being the greedy little whore she was, she went straight to the biggest bowl of course. Now, being the complete moron she was, she just started to wolf it down, only to find that the goddamn porridge was too goddamn hot. I hope the phony burned herself bad. Next, she went for the medium sized bowl. Not thinking twice, she wolfs down a huge bite only to find that it was cold as hell. now any sane person would at around this point figure out that if she mixed the two bowls together, she’d have a very nice porridge to herself, but no, she decides to just go and eat from the small bowl. She got lucky this time because the porridge was suited for her majesty’s tastes.

Now since the pig was done scarfing down someone else’s food, she felt tired as hell; so she decided to go upstairs and find a bed. Again, we are about to find out what a complete moron she is. When she got to the beds, she immediately decided to just test all of them. Evidently, her excuse must’ve been that she was blind. Any normal person could tell how hard a bed is by looking at the amount of padding on a bed, but the bitch had to see for herself. First, going to the bed that was just a sheet on a board which she found to be, as hard as a goddamn board. Next, she went to the one that was all pillows and found that it was too soft. What a surprise. Finally, she went to the regular looking bed, which she found to be just like a real bed, and fell asleep.

Now you can use your imagination. What the hell do you think happened when the bears got back and saw that someone had eaten all their food and was sleeping in their bed? You’re right! They ate the bitch because they had nothing else to eat.


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