How to Win Internet Arguments

When telling someone off on the internet, it doesn’t matter how valid your point is, as long as you use correct grammar and punctuation, you will have the upper hand no matter what. Also, feel free to bust out the thesaurus. Using pretentious language throws gasoline on the raging fire that is your opponent’s anger. The angrier they get, the less likely they are to provide a logical argument at which point they will start spewing nonsense which completely discredits any previously solid point(s) they may have made in the eyes of the observers. If you maintain your cool while doing all this, you will receive +1 internets. The following is my tried and true method of winning flame wars. Follow my plan and I will guarantee nothing but good results!

Always capitalize correctly, it may even be advantageous to capitalize superfluously; try capitalizing all Your pronouns (for a good example of this, see The Bible). This will psych out your opponent because it gives off the impression of intelligence and levelheadedness no matter how flawed your argument is. If someone is making the effort to capitalize in the heat of a flame war, they must be mature and intelligent, perhaps, even over the age of 30!

Avoid using vulgar and commonplace insults. Calling a person retarded gets you nowhere. Instead, make them actually feel retarded by exploiting any minute grammatical errors and by repeatedly attacking their mental abilities. For example “Your logic is so flawed, it is beyond me how you can even sit here and type this mindless dribble.” Another way to do this is to research “Fallacy” on Wikipedia and point these out whenever your opponent uses one, or even when they’re not using them. You can assert that essentially any argument is fallacious and your opponent will then be forced to defend not only his original point, but his logic as well. Also, sexuality has nothing to do with intelligence, avoid using “gay” or “faggot” as insults because they only make you look like a bigot and help no one. A better alternative would be to question their self-confidence. Belittle them relentlessly until you can taste the tears through your monitor. If you ever do feel the necessity to simply cuss them out, always begin with “No offense, but…” or “With all due respect.” You can hide just about anything behind these seemingly dignified phrases.

Whenever you yourself are insulted, simply disregard it. This will infuriate your opponent more than anything else. The only reason why they got into the argument was to assert their dominance, if you ignore their attacks, while they respond to yours, it will seem as if they are not worth your time and thus, subordinate to you.

When describing an object as plural, never use an apostrophe (2 elephants, not 2 elephant’s). Inserting an apostrophe is not only grammatically incorrect, it can change the entire meaning of a sentence. The exceptions however; after numbers (2’s), after letters (A’s), and after abbreviations (There were never any WMD’s in Iraq).

Never ever commit any of the following grammatical errors or you automatically lose!

u≠you (Not in any way, shape or form e.g. u’re, ur, etc)

“Your” refers to something that the person you are addressing owns (Your logic is flawed)

“You’re” means you are describing the person you are addressing (You’re an imbecile)

“There” describes the location of a subject

“Their” refers to the property of more than one person

“They’re” means you are describing a group of people

I will concede that my style of argument is perhaps a bit verbose. If this does not come naturally to you, don’t fret. Being terse and concise is perhaps as effective, if not more so. Short, punchy sentences that get straight to the point. Sure, it’s harder to confuse them, but it’s also a lot easier to make them feel inferior. They’re taking paragraphs to construct an argument and you rebut it with only a few sentences.


5 Responses to “How to Win Internet Arguments”

  1. 1 ididntreadurarticle May 23, 2009 at 6:03 pm

    Yor an effin tArd

  2. 2 megadoodle May 23, 2009 at 6:08 pm

    ur a noob

  3. 3 LZOOO May 23, 2009 at 6:09 pm

    Very well said , my friend! I use a the same strategy when dealing with ignorant half-wits. Albeit, I am guilty of using vulgar language as well as words like “retarded” and “fag”… I am, of course, still learning how to sharpen my “weapons” and expand my “arsenal”.


    • 4 brainalleakage May 23, 2009 at 9:02 pm

      Refraining from using those terms gives you the moral upper hand. Just like how Republicans have exploited the religious right!

  4. 5 Omer Zach May 25, 2009 at 11:26 pm

    I follow a similar style of ownage, but this was still fun to read. I actually really liked how you wrote it; good job.

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